Survivor Trauma

When a terrible crisis happens, a fire, or a shooting , a deadly pandemic .... everything is a crazy blur as you try to get to the other end alive.

..and when you finally get there, you will soon wake up and feel a hollow dent left where a part of your heart used to be. Some things will soon reveal themselves to be amiss. Somewhere, in the journey to surviving, we get to the end and remember ... we've lost some things to the fire .

This is an ode to all the people we lost while we fought to keep ourselves and each other alive. Please don't feel bad for surviving. Please ... if you must , live everyday fearlessly , for the people who did not make it.

20/20 Vision

Hi yes, that was me at the end of 2019, a little less than one week ago.

So it's 2020, and the repi

Thoughts of a Dishwasher

I had a cute realization this week and it happened the way uneventful things do. I was at the kitchen counter, washing the dishes when it hit me - that I have, for a long while, stopped blaming myself for everything.

Running to

Today I spent an afternoon listening to people who inspire me to think better, in a manner that leaves me really disgusted. 

In an odd way, it comforts me to think that maybe I am the problematic one. There are so many grey lines in figuring out what is right that although I would like to swear by all my heart that the people who were talking in front of me earlier were all hypocrites, what do I really know? I am occasionally a hypocrite too.

So I did a good amount of running this afternoon ,  to remind myself that I am still blessed to have the leisure to do what I really love to do after 8 hours of being in a desk listening to things I don't WANT to hear. Such is the balance of life.

and whilst I was running, I thought of how I  always tell people that running is my meditation. That running is where I run to when things get sour. Maybe some of us do that too. We run to think. We run to forget ,  to breathe better, to get sore, to hurt in the right places, to be stronger, to be resilient.

Today I ran to remind myself that my failures and victories are sweet when taken together and I have only just begun. Okay, sometimes I halt in the face of anxiety, but anxiety is a vicious biatch and I am always fighting back ... in a non-violent way, hello Gandhi! 

paramore

"WELL MAYBE I KNOW, SOMEWHERE, DEEP IN MY SOUL, THAT LOVE NEVER LASTS"

slowly

This morning, over the telephone line, I answered the phone and got connected to a person who walked me home for almost a year. It never stops feeling odd when somebody has grown really close to you, and the next morning you wake up and you don't even recognize them anymore.

The thing about modern-day heartbreak is that very few really can afford to stop over it and really feel its intensity .  Mostly, people find it a waste of time that they should even be wallowing over what sounds so childish as a broken-heart ....and so people move on from point "caring a lot" to point "indifference" real quick

I have been told that we can measure the immensity of love by the amount of time it took to get over it. I cannot say this is generally true. I have seen the worse heartbreaks happening at a later part of life , and the people who dealt with it had to get over it, or at least get by while living with the hurt.  And how about the young loves we took forever to stop wallowing about ? was it really the worse? or were we just too young to really know better ?

I have this uncanny nature of always wanting to stay away from trends, and I like romanticizing my hurts, without dragging anyone into my drama , by the way. If I don't sit with my hurt and go through it over and over again until I am done with all my questions, both the answered and unanswered, I will never fully get over it. And yes, I believe in fully getting over it :)

I am not really a fan of manipulating my circumstances, so I am putting all of these things in His hands. I will, on one hand , take my time.

In the middle

There is this pop song going around for months now that wouldn't leave my memory bank.  I've been humming it for some time, and here, I'm dedicating a blog entry about it now.  That song is "The Middle" by the Prince of electro-pop Zed (that's a made-up title from me, thank me later Zed.)

So what's in the middle? haha

I'm so bored  that I have decided to dissect a song. For all I know, people behind this song were all just thinking "hey let's make a song with a beat like this, go pitch in the most catchy words you have" , and they succeeded, as here I am, catching it all. :(

Very, very relevant to the way that people love nowadays. There is always this talk about finding the "middle" ground. Like there is an illusory straight line between two people where all points of differences will be settled, and being in a "draw" means winning in the relationship department.

The song itself does not even expound how you meet someone in the middle although the lady singer was screaming about it, and the drums and cymbals banging in the background just makes you feel like you should be angry too because the singer's boyfriend just won't meet her in the effin' middle!!!!

Referencing from so many experiences, not just romantic ones , I think there is not clear-cut standard of how two people in a relationship are supposed to find a middle ground.

Some people who lives in a world with access to better vocabularies would use "compromise" when they meant finding a middle ground. I remember how fancy that word used to sound when I first heard it. It sounded so promising haha. Like hey, you're having a hard time understanding each other? COMPROMISE.

Taking it from a much older song. , "Just once", some of our best efforts won't always be enough. There is such a thing us unequal distribution of advantages . Two people can always try to compromise, but just like a heartbreak is never even, one person would have to do more compromising than the other.  :( But of course we will keep trying.

I'm not very good in giving relationship advices, but don't stop trying to find the middle, and remember to give someone enough time when they're having a hard time getting there. Encourage them and appreciate how much they are trying.

I've got so much to learn from this department. Whatever point I am missing, I pray to stumble upon it sooner than later.

meantime, I'll keep humming this song in my recluse. bye.