Thoughts of a Dishwasher

I had a cute realization this week and it happened the way uneventful things do. I was at the kitchen counter, washing the dishes when it hit me - that I have, for a long while, stopped blaming myself for everything.

Running to

Today I spent an afternoon listening to people who inspire me to think better, in a manner that leaves me really disgusted. 

In an odd way, it comforts me to think that maybe I am the problematic one. There are so many grey lines in figuring out what is right that although I would like to swear by all my heart that the people who were talking in front of me earlier were all hypocrites, what do I really know? I am occasionally a hypocrite too.

So I did a good amount of running this afternoon ,  to remind myself that I am still blessed to have the leisure to do what I really love to do after 8 hours of being in a desk listening to things I don't WANT to hear. Such is the balance of life.

and whilst I was running, I thought of how I  always tell people that running is my meditation. That running is where I run to when things get sour. Maybe some of us do that too. We run to think. We run to forget ,  to breathe better, to get sore, to hurt in the right places, to be stronger, to be resilient.

Today I ran to remind myself that my failures and victories are sweet when taken together and I have only just begun. Okay, sometimes I halt in the face of anxiety, but anxiety is a vicious biatch and I am always fighting back ... in a non-violent way, hello Gandhi! 

Starting Over

I like beginnings.
But what I love more than anything else
is beginning AGAIN
it's when you begin with your scabs fully healed
or maybe not yet fully healed
but you stop talking about the unhealed scabs
and you just put yourself out there
again
silently knowing
that the next bruise will be from a different fall
and that maybe next time, there will be lesser cuts
because you know the drill
you learned how it is to balance
and that on your next biggest crash
you will get back up smiling
because you've been there before
and you know you will get through it
and this time you will fight to win whatever
and you pray
oh you pray
every time you get back up
that you remain softer every time

Oh I love beginning again

Day 1 : Inner Demons pt.1

Lately, my words do not sound like mine. I used to be comforted by my own words. When things get sour, I'll write things down and I'll figure out what's wrong. But lately, when I have not been feeling like my authentic self, I also do not feel comforted by my own words. I know I'm writing these things down but it takes a while for me to put them together.

I have to admit, It's heartbreaking when you realize you're struggling at something when it used to be as easy as breathing.

Homecomings

You know what's cute about homecomings? Everything.

Everytime I come home, I feel like everything is getting smaller. Like here was this pond that used to be my ocean. Here was this Acacia tree that used to be so hauntingly huge, and now it's an old bald gentleman of a tree, shedding dead leaves and making the whole central Rotonda look like a good Indie Movie venue with golden brown leaves all over.

...and here I am. Who would have thought I'd come home and see that old rotonda with a smile that knows more than what I once claimed as a teenager. The head-carvings of that 1914 tower would laugh at my realizations. "So, what happened to setting the world on fire?" , one of them would ask, with an impending series of roast questions.

I would answer them " but I'm not done yet."

That's the cute truth about homecomings. You get older each time. You always take home with you all those wise thoughts that the years helped you make sense of, and you walk with your head a little higher every time.



Joj

Running Forward with A Heart

Hi Joj, you always wanted to run on a race, right? There was a time you ran almost everyday because you have a feeling that one day, you can use all that preparation.

You just did that. You just ran on a race - and in your heart, you won that race.



Lots of love,

your younger self :)

Going on '17

Welcoming 2017 felt a lot like welcoming a long-distance-friend that promised to be there for you to make things right at the end of the 2016. It feels uncanny how 2016 was like a horrible experience everybody in the world shared and just wanted to bury somewhere they  never want to visit again.

I would be idealistic if I told you that 2017 is the year I will change my life. But hey, yes I am idealistic and that's why I have a vibe that never dies even when things go wrong. This is why I am taking all of my idealistic principles and ways with me on 2017, but now my feet is touching Earth. So many experiences in 2016 brought me into a point where I had to compromise with how the world really works and how I can never control the reactions of people no matter how hard I try.

2016 was the year of acceptance and letting go. I have finally let go of my false idea of myself and about friendship and love. I felt really unburdened because those misconceptions have been with me for the longest time and it felt freeing to finally say goodbye to them and be less upset about things happening beyond my control.

I know I may still stumble a lot on 2017 and the years to come but I also know that it will be very hard to make the same mistakes. 

I am pretty good at learning from my mistakes.

2017. We've been together for 7 days now and you feel promising. Whatever you have in store for me, all the good and the bad, I will meet them with a brave spirit.