Starting Over

I like beginnings.
But what I love more than anything else
is beginning AGAIN
it's when you begin with your scabs fully healed
or maybe not yet fully healed
but you stop talking about the unhealed scabs
and you just put yourself out there
again
silently knowing
that the next bruise will be from a different fall
and that maybe next time, there will be lesser cuts
because you know the drill
you learned how it is to balance
and that on your next biggest crash
you will get back up smiling
because you've been there before
and you know you will get through it
and this time you will fight to win whatever
and you pray
oh you pray
every time you get back up
that you remain softer every time

Oh I love beginning again

Day 1 : Inner Demons pt.1

Lately, my words do not sound like mine. I used to be comforted by my own words. When things get sour, I'll write things down and I'll figure out what's wrong. But lately, when I have not been feeling like my authentic self, I also do not feel comforted by my own words. I know I'm writing these things down but it takes a while for me to put them together.

I have to admit, It's heartbreaking when you realize you're struggling at something when it used to be as easy as breathing.

Homecomings

You know what's cute about homecomings? Everything.

Everytime I come home, I feel like everything is getting smaller. Like here was this pond that used to be my ocean. Here was this Acacia tree that used to be so hauntingly huge, and now it's an old bald gentleman of a tree, shedding dead leaves and making the whole central Rotonda look like a good Indie Movie venue with golden brown leaves all over.

...and here I am. Who would have thought I'd come home and see that old rotonda with a smile that knows more than what I once claimed as a teenager. The head-carvings of that 1914 tower would laugh at my realizations. "So, what happened to setting the world on fire?" , one of them would ask, with an impending series of roast questions.

I would answer them " but I'm not done yet."

That's the cute truth about homecomings. You get older each time. You always take home with you all those wise thoughts that the years helped you make sense of, and you walk with your head a little higher every time.



Joj

Create

I have not been watching movies lately. I figured out I've been consuming too much art, and not interpreting them in my own terms.

All the years of consumption has got to be released somewhere right? Creating is a release. I want to put myself out there thru my art, and I have to figure out how to do that

Songwriting

I've written so many songs that ended up crumpled in a trash bin. It's safe to say that I have never failed in album debuts , because I never had one. hahaha. But this time, I want to try. I have not been writing, so I might as well be singing. :)

Whole

"You are only given one chance to love with your heart still whole."

Dear Heart

This took too long to write but nonetheless, here It is.

I'm sorry if I did not try to stop you from saying yes.  I basked in silence because I had hoped it would turn out differently.

but I'm not sorry for all the lessons.

You did well in your recovery. I'm proud of you.

Let's hope and pray it doesn't necessarily happen again okay? okay.

When You Love Someone

 Aiming to be the one who stays, in a world making so many ballads for people who leave :)


This is a diary entry I wrote down few months before I parted ways with my first love.
I had to put this down to remind myself that I was brave enough to have loved and lost.

I learned the heartbreaking way, that when you love someone, you have to take them as temporary gifts. Something that God gives you to help nourish. He wants you to take that gift, in a gentle way, not own it, but to just help Him see to it that the gift is taken care of and loved, so it grows into something beautiful.

When the time comes He decides to take it way, you have to wholeheartedly kiss it goodbye and be sure, so sure, that it will be polished even more into something beautiful, by someone else's hands.

In some very rare occasions, God may choose your hands as the ultimate keeper of the gift. Until then, take care of everything He gives You.



joj

Running Forward with A Heart

Hi Joj, you always wanted to run on a race, right? There was a time you ran almost everyday because you have a feeling that one day, you can use all that preparation.

You just did that. You just ran on a race - and in your heart, you won that race.



Lots of love,

your younger self :)

Going on '17

Welcoming 2017 felt a lot like welcoming a long-distance-friend that promised to be there for you to make things right at the end of the 2016. It feels uncanny how 2016 was like a horrible experience everybody in the world shared and just wanted to bury somewhere they  never want to visit again.

I would be idealistic if I told you that 2017 is the year I will change my life. But hey, yes I am idealistic and that's why I have a vibe that never dies even when things go wrong. This is why I am taking all of my idealistic principles and ways with me on 2017, but now my feet is touching Earth. So many experiences in 2016 brought me into a point where I had to compromise with how the world really works and how I can never control the reactions of people no matter how hard I try.

2016 was the year of acceptance and letting go. I have finally let go of my false idea of myself and about friendship and love. I felt really unburdened because those misconceptions have been with me for the longest time and it felt freeing to finally say goodbye to them and be less upset about things happening beyond my control.

I know I may still stumble a lot on 2017 and the years to come but I also know that it will be very hard to make the same mistakes. 

I am pretty good at learning from my mistakes.

2017. We've been together for 7 days now and you feel promising. Whatever you have in store for me, all the good and the bad, I will meet them with a brave spirit.

Firsts

This was how we did the first day of 2017. It was too epic I don't think this blog entry will use up the right words to describe just how full of life and laughter my January 1,2017 was. How could I have missed out on so many opportune moments with these guys.

We went on the beach at Sheena's place because they found out about planktons (like those in Maldives) the night before, and Marj here wanted to do her usual photoshoot

So we waited until about 5pm before we hit the beach. We marched straight ahead into the deep trying to find the sandy part. There was only one "salbabida" and everybody flocked on it , we were all joking about being castaways but actually enjoying it. My brother was of course, the life of every party, and with Eding and Am2x, the three just didn't stop fooling around with the waves and making banters about random things. Eding kept mocking the waves for not being big enough.

"Ikaw ra? tawga imong mga kauban? asa imong papa?!!!!

She punched at the waves like they were people she hated, and god did we laugh at her repeated bitter banters on "Kung di gyud, di gyuuuuud!!!!!!!!!!!!"

and guys, this was also the first time I actually joined a drinking activity. I didn't like it - of  course. haha! the taste, I mean . and I am also not gonna do it anytime soon because man, my liver is precious to me. But having done it with the right people, in the right place, at the right time, it actually felt breathtaking to be drinking for the first time.

I am looking forward to more memories with these people.