1000 words

*a pandemic entry I forgot to post 

Today I start my September journey of writing 1,000 words per day.

It's year 2 of the pandemic and some days I feel numb and terrified all at the same time. I am terrified that time is passing while my life and dreams are in a standstill... and even more terrified that I am numb about it. I feel like one day I will wake up and it's too late. 

Where should I really start? Where should we start self? 

I realized this morning that I have let go of a huge chunk of my sentimentality. I have stopped looking back and taking in all the beauty of my younger years because I was afraid to admit that it was hell of a good time. I was afraid that if I looked back too much I would miss everything I lost. I would miss all those people and most importantly, I would miss the way I loved all the things I used to love.

I still wonder where I will be years from now. I'm turning 30 next year . In ten years I will be 40. What have I really done with my life? I am still not the person I thought I should've been. It's not so hard to admit that lately. I feel like the pressure has been so far gone and I have understood how monetary success has never been the point of life. Still, I want to feel exhilarated. I still want to feel the brightest of colors in the most beautiful places. If I am even dreaming of money, it's because I want not just me, but everyone I love to know the many ways to see the world... and I wanna see the world. It's so frustrating to think that life is too limited and a man's resources will never really take us to all these places. If we have the money, we probably do not have all the time.

I miss being simple. I miss watching indie movies and being absolutely immersed. I miss not having to worry that I am wasting my life with daydreaming. I miss having all the time in my hands. 

I miss trusting people.

I hate that I let people change me. I hate that I have to build my boundaries to make sure I am not taken advantage of ever again. 

I miss the way I used to like myself, even when I was too simplistic. I miss how I never had to talk ill about people. I miss it.

I miss all these things, but I cannot take any of them with me moving forward. I have to grow , build my boundaries, use my time wisely, live and avoid daydreaming.

I know there is a different kind of happiness you get from taking the challenge of growth. I know because there were plenty of days when I thanked God I learned to let my sentimentality go. But there will be days like this. There will always be days like this.

I guess this is just another episode of being human. 

I just want to take it all in, and be sad.

that's only 543 words. but i tried.