Ladslide

It's midnight and I am a corporate girl who has corporate things to do first thing tomorrow. Yet here I am, taking my time, robbing my sleep, like a highschooler willing to risk it all for revenge bedtime procrastination.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about getting older. It really just hits you in the face one morning with no subtle introduction. I am getting older, and everyone around me is. I am not scared to get older, but I am scared that people I love are :'(  

1000 words

*a pandemic entry I forgot to post 

Today I start my September journey of writing 1,000 words per day.

It's year 2 of the pandemic and some days I feel numb and terrified all at the same time. I am terrified that time is passing while my life and dreams are in a standstill... and even more terrified that I am numb about it. I feel like one day I will wake up and it's too late. 

Where should I really start? Where should we start self? 

I realized this morning that I have let go of a huge chunk of my sentimentality. I have stopped looking back and taking in all the beauty of my younger years because I was afraid to admit that it was hell of a good time. I was afraid that if I looked back too much I would miss everything I lost. I would miss all those people and most importantly, I would miss the way I loved all the things I used to love.

I still wonder where I will be years from now. I'm turning 30 next year . In ten years I will be 40. What have I really done with my life? I am still not the person I thought I should've been. It's not so hard to admit that lately. I feel like the pressure has been so far gone and I have understood how monetary success has never been the point of life. Still, I want to feel exhilarated. I still want to feel the brightest of colors in the most beautiful places. If I am even dreaming of money, it's because I want not just me, but everyone I love to know the many ways to see the world... and I wanna see the world. It's so frustrating to think that life is too limited and a man's resources will never really take us to all these places. If we have the money, we probably do not have all the time.

I miss being simple. I miss watching indie movies and being absolutely immersed. I miss not having to worry that I am wasting my life with daydreaming. I miss having all the time in my hands. 

I miss trusting people.

I hate that I let people change me. I hate that I have to build my boundaries to make sure I am not taken advantage of ever again. 

I miss the way I used to like myself, even when I was too simplistic. I miss how I never had to talk ill about people. I miss it.

I miss all these things, but I cannot take any of them with me moving forward. I have to grow , build my boundaries, use my time wisely, live and avoid daydreaming.

I know there is a different kind of happiness you get from taking the challenge of growth. I know because there were plenty of days when I thanked God I learned to let my sentimentality go. But there will be days like this. There will always be days like this.

I guess this is just another episode of being human. 

I just want to take it all in, and be sad.

that's only 543 words. but i tried.

Survivor Trauma

When a terrible crisis happens, a fire, or a shooting , a deadly pandemic .... everything is a crazy blur as you try to get to the other end alive.

..and when you finally get there, you will soon wake up and feel a hollow dent left where a part of your heart used to be. Some things will soon reveal themselves to be amiss. Somewhere, in the journey to surviving, we get to the end and remember ... we've lost some things to the fire .

This is an ode to all the people we lost while we fought to keep ourselves and each other alive. Please don't feel bad for surviving. Please ... if you must , live everyday fearlessly , for the people who did not make it.

20/20 Vision

Hi yes, that was me at the end of 2019, a little less than one week ago.

So it's 2020, and the repi

Dear Michael

I love you. 

Are you doing anything right now babe? Can I call you?

Can you call me?

Thoughts of a Dishwasher

I had a cute realization this week and it happened the way uneventful things do. I was at the kitchen counter, washing the dishes when it hit me - that I have, for a long while, stopped blaming myself for everything.

Running to

Today I spent an afternoon listening to people who inspire me to think better, in a manner that leaves me really disgusted. 

In an odd way, it comforts me to think that maybe I am the problematic one. There are so many grey lines in figuring out what is right that although I would like to swear by all my heart that the people who were talking in front of me earlier were all hypocrites, what do I really know? I am occasionally a hypocrite too.

So I did a good amount of running this afternoon ,  to remind myself that I am still blessed to have the leisure to do what I really love to do after 8 hours of being in a desk listening to things I don't WANT to hear. Such is the balance of life.

and whilst I was running, I thought of how I  always tell people that running is my meditation. That running is where I run to when things get sour. Maybe some of us do that too. We run to think. We run to forget ,  to breathe better, to get sore, to hurt in the right places, to be stronger, to be resilient.

Today I ran to remind myself that my failures and victories are sweet when taken together and I have only just begun. Okay, sometimes I halt in the face of anxiety, but anxiety is a vicious biatch and I am always fighting back ... in a non-violent way, hello Gandhi!